Saturday, January 30, 2010

Harley Goes to the Bugs

What's really going on in biker bars:

From Craigslist:

Harley rider pre-ride check off list:
1. Comb baseball player goatee and mustache
2. Spend 6- hours polishing gaudy chrome pieces. Be sure people can read the "Live to ride - ride to live" statement on gas tank lid.
3. Assure suspension can handle at least 560 pounds of rider
4. Pack cell phone and have tow service numbers programmed.
5. Look in mirror and perfect the "I'm a bad ass motherfucker" harley riding scowl.
6. Affix tassels from daughters bicycle to handle bars for added gay appearance.
7. Test flashers for when bike breaks down (99% probability)
8. Put on your wrist brace to help carpal tunnel from all of the unnecessary revving
9. Leather pants
10. Gloves
11. Wrap around sunglasses
12. Skull cap (German soldier type for the real badasses). Remember to think about the SAFETY aspect/argument of loud pipes as putting that potato chip on head. The real tough guys here will wear a bandana over their face (some with a skull) to look really scary----ooooh!
13. CAT work boots (new)
14. Leather vest with some "chapter" like: North chapter of pig fucking obese attention whore douche bags with fat ugly loud mouth wives.
15. HD t-shirt (of course). Because everyone needs to know what shop you paid $40 for a $5 hanes shirt at.
16. Remove baffles from pipes so EVERYONE can hear you going 18mph in 2nd gear at redline. Note: Most HD break down before hitting 2nd gear.
17. Starbucks gift card: This is usually your hangout--------------how tough.
18. Call friends with similar ridiculous motorcycle (WW2 outdated technology garbage) and pathetic store bought image (gay pirate from the Castro) attire. Have them ATTEMPT to meet you at the starbucks without breaking down or crashing due to being distracted from looking at themselves in their chrome.
19. Five packs of Marlboro reds to smoke while riding to look extra cool
20. Slam a 6 pack of Zima prior to ride.
21. Saddle bags attached to pick up and store broken parts that fall off bike as you ride/push (if you can call it riding without laughing) that hunk of shit down the road.

22. remove rear flap from leather pants.

In other news, It is rumored VW is thinking of buying the floundering Harley-Davidson. Not surprising and fitting that a company that made it's bones with an air cooled 70 years ago engine would be in a position to take over a company still using one.

The question is, will the Harley collective still claim HD is an american company when the producer of Hitlers "People's Car" owns it?


cruft said...

22.  remove rear flap from leather pants

JACIII said...

That goes on the list!

Wendy said...


Michael Maier said...

Easier access for the other homos, I reckon.

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Clint said...

You guys crack me up...

Mikesbo said...

Need to throw something in there about spending as much (more, if we're compare to Japanese) to buy one as something with real engineering/technology/value. Much more, if you're into chrome, which they all are...

JACIII said...

It's all on a payment plan, Mikesbo. Harley finds itself in the same shape as GE did a couple years ago with its formerly high flying financial division suddenly dragging it down into the depths.

Susan said...

I have seen a lot of participation in #17. And what is up with the gorilla hanger style bars and short guys? Makes them look so rediculous, like they are riding their dad's bike.

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